May 2012
32 posts
I opened up my vault. I let my soul pour out. I spoke with intensity. With raw honesty. The kind of honesty that is rare these days, almost extinct. I don’t think I’ve ever spoke like I did to her last night. There was nothing to gain. I said everything assuming nothing had changed with how she felt. I wasn’t trying to win anything; affection, companionship, romance. I was just...
I just bared my soul. I admitted things with the brutal honest I say I treasure and value over everything else. Did I seriously just do this?
My first ever brand new mattress comes tomorrow. Got a steal on an amazing queen memory foam with frame, box spring, and night stands. Now all I need to do is get a PS3 in my room, some sort of apparatus to give me chilled soda, beer and/or whiskey, and a warm body, and I’ll probably never leave my room.
I don’t know why I do what I do for people. I hope being a good person does count. Whether it matters to God, Karma, the universe, whatever. I wish I could be some heartless, shithole, asshole, bastard, but I just can’t. It’s my nature. It’s the core of me.
It breaks my heart to hear about the disgusting things people do for the sake of doing them. I know I shouldn’t care about the weak and manipulated. The lost cannot always be saved.
“Today is the worst day of the year for me. Eleven years ago today at 5:15 p.m. my beautiful son Thomas Charles Zona was killed. After the paramedic’s arrived he languished 20 minutes in the street before he took his last breath. I pray that he was not conscious. My soul died with you my son. You can’t even imagine the pain I feel today. I am so proud to be your father Tommy. I...
“Here’s a drink to your bones this dog still dreams about.”
– Charles Bukowski (RIP my friend. It’s been 11 years but feels like no time has passed at all)
I’m taking back the pieces of my heart that people have. They belong to me. I am posting eviction notices for those who became a part of me. You are no longer welcome.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
hayleyisaboss:
And then I think of how that thought doesn’t even deserve to wonder in my mind.
Also, can I meet a fucking girl who doesn’t lead me on, or doesn’t use me because my dad owns a bar and I have access to unlimited alcohol. Seriously, what the fuck? I thought I dealt with enough of this bullshit in Rochester but it seems to be twice as worse out here with half the standards.
Can I meet a fucking girl out here who doesn’t have a kid (almost all the time with a deadbeat or psycho dad?) For a liberal area you’d think abortions would be more prominent. Don’t get me wrong, but I’m not the type of person to pick up the slack when others failed. I don’t want to support someone else’s bad decision. This may make me look like less of a man...
I love the federal government. Double dipping my bank account for two student loan payments when I only made one. I called them and was treated like some idiot saying the only way this was possible is if I did it. Yes, I enjoyed making my monthly payment for my useless education so much that once I saw my payment was schedule I decided to wake up and do it again the next day.
So my dad owns a bar out here, and we used to play friendly games of pool for drinks (even though I drink free). Well, I used to suck horribly at pool. So one drink became two, and two became four, and so on and so forth. So eventually I owed 5200 drinks. Well, long story short we played tonight and I lost the first game and owed 10400 drinks (which equates to around $57,000 with what he drinks)....
Sometimes I feel as if I am the only voice of reason here. That I am the only sane adult that I have met so far.
“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
– Augusten Burroughs (via corrumpo)
Things I Need to do to Fit in on the West Coast
So I’ve been told about some things I need to change in order to not stick out like a sore thumb out here (and I guess come across as more welcoming/appealing). The general consensus is the following:
1. Wear darker colored jeans.
Apparently my jeans are too light colored for people out here. I am a typical guy when it comes to fashion and rock only three pairs of jeans which go into...
I function best when I somehow manage to nail just the right level of sleep deprivation. It shuts my mind down just enough to become an awesome non-overanalytical person.
I’m going to have to be myself, and that’s going to have to be good enough.
“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been...”
– Charles Bukowski (via someminor)
I don’t understand girls who do several of those “let’s all stand in a line, pose, and take a photo” photos every time they hang out. How can so many people desperate for attention function as a cohesive group?
April 2012
24 posts
Nothing seems to be getting me out of this lame funk. What happened to the Tony that was awesome and everybody loved? How come I have yet to find one solid friend out here in six months? How come I have yet to find a nice girl who appreciates me? It can’t just be me, can it?
Two days ago my best friend should have been 27. It made me realize that I’ve been dead ever since that fateful day 11 years ago. I am a completely hollow and empty shell that functions on primal urges and self serving needs. Whatever feels good at the moment. My actions, words, laughter, and expressions are mostly acting from a broken man. I’ve realized that I am a ghost of a person...
I was going to write a profound and meaningful revelation last night. Then I fell asleep watching hockey.
Sometimes I forget that I am about 3000 miles away from everybody I know, everybody I love, all the places I cherish, and all of the fond memories I find myself missing. It makes for really confusing mornings sometimes, and some very lonely nights.
“Some people will never understand the kind of super power it takes for some...”
– Andrea Gibson
I’ve decided to unlink my tumblr from Facebook and try to make this more about myself than random reblogs. Hope nobody important had this bookmarked, ha.
1 tag
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going...”
– Charles Bukowski
I'm going to make it big someday...
hayleyisaboss:
Just watch.
That’s what she said